I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
