Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
