Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
