Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
