Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
