Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
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it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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