the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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