i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
