i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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