im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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