I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
