It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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