I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
