he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
