I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
