A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
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