I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
