I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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