Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
