if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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