So drunk its hurt
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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