I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Randomize
