Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
how does that bad decision feel?
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