and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
