I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
