I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
