Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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