If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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