I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
