I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
