She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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