got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
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I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
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Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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