i just had sex bonerless
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
