please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
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first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
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The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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