I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
