please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
