tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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