I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
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I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize