i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
