i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
