he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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