cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
