Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
