Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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