so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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