beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
