We won't sleep together?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
