how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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