the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
