Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
