if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
