I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
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Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars