"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?